Welcome To Pardon Palooza

 December 26th, 2020

My Dear America:

Hey Everybody, Welcome to Pardon Palooza.  Its wonderful to have you all here.

Now Let me tell you how all this works.  

If you have been convicted of a crime or even if you just might just be on the verge of being convicted of a crime you have come to the right place, 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.  

Have we got a deal for you. Step right up and get your Pardon.  No waiting.  We work fast and loose around here.

Let me introduce you to some of our illustrious  customers.

First up is somebody who is a very satisfied customer, Michael Flynn.  Michael step right up here where we can see you.  Michael was treated very badly by the Obama Administration.  You see Barack Obama and some other Generals in the Pentagon didn't like the fact that General Mike Flynn had some very close friends in High Places in Russia. Mike was in charge of the DIA, which is the Defense Intelligence Agency.  You see, other Generals and President Obama were very jealous of the fact that Mike got to sit next to my buddy, Vladimir Putin and some other very high up Kremlin spies and officials. They all wanted to sit next to Vladimir Putin just like I do.  But Mike got the chance to do it.  I'm very jealous of you too, Mike.  

Well, anyway when I won the 2016 Election, by a lot of votes, I might add, if you don't count those damned illegal California votes, I met with President Barack Hussein Obama in the Oval Office and he told me "Whatever you do in your Administration, Donald, Whatever you do, don't hire Michael Flynn for your Administration. 

I knew right away what Obama was trying to do.  He was trying to keep me from hiring one of my favorite Generals, the one who shouted "Lock Her Up" the loudest at my rallies.  Obama was jealous that Mike Flynn was on my side now so naturally I knew that the right thing to do was to hire Mike Flynn so that's what I did.

I love you Mike.  You're one of my favorite people.  I know you lied to the FBI when they came and talked to you and asked you whether you had talked to my good Friend and Russian Ambassador,  Sergey Kislyak.  I know you lied For Me and that is why I'm granting you a full Pardon.  I know you pleaded guilty twice to lying to the FBI but I don't care, Buddy.  You are Okay in my book, You and your Lawyer, Sidney Powell, what a legal genius she is.  Now that I've pardoned you we can follow up on your very brilliant plan to declare Martial Law in Arizona, Nevada, Michigan Wisconsin and Pennsylvania so that we can seize the voting machines in those states and force a New Election in those states in which I didn't win.  Man, what a genius plan.

Next up on Pardon Palooza is my Great 2016 Campaign Manager, Paul Manafort.  I'm so sorry, Paul for all you've been through.  You were such a great campaign manager and you worked for nothing.  You didn't even get paid.  I never quite understood why you didn't want to get paid but I didn't fight it.  So what if you reported to Russian spies about everything that was happening in our campaign.  I didn't care.  you came cheap.  I saved money.  I'm sorry that you went to jail for me, Paul.  But you'll be Okay now.  You are Pardoned, my brother.  No more jail time for you, that is unless you do any more illegal stuff and I know that there's no chance of that happening.

And Next but not Least on Pardon Palooza is my Brother in Real Estate and my Son In Law's Father, Charlie Kushner.  I don't know why I'm giving you a Pardon, Charlie.  You already served your time, 16 months and you were released in 2006.  I guess I'm pardoning you because Jared asked me to.  So you got it Charlie.  Take that, Chris Christie.  I'm still in Awe of you, Charlie, for what you did to your brother in law and your sister.  Charlie's brother in law was ratting on Charlie to the Feds so Charlie got a prostitute to seduce his brother in law, Charlie taped the sexual encounter and send the tape to Charlie's sister.  I'll bet you don't get invites from that your sister and her husband anymore Charlie. 

Well that's it for this  particular session of Pardon Palooza.  I'm sure we'll have a few more pardons to give out before our time runs out here in the White House.  In the meantime I'm going to screw up the deal that would give Americans 600 Dollars, extended Unemployment Compensation benefits, and a moratorium on evictions.  

I'm going to insist that the Congress increase the Grant amount from 600 dollars to Two Thousand Dollars. I know the Republicans won't go for that.  And it will look like I really care about these suckers and losers that are dying because I screwed them over with Covid.  

Oh My God,  I'm such an Evil Genius.  Make that  A Stable Evil Genius.

Well, Goodbye for Now From Pardon Palooza.

Sincerely Yours

Jerry Gallagher